Vanity Slair
by Eliza Donelittle
Summary: Vanity Fair with a Buffy twist. The classic tale of Vanity Fair with BTVS characters taking the main roles of the novel.
1. Chapter 1

Vanity Slayer (Vanity Fair With A Buffy Twist)

The idea of this story was generated by me noticing how few Vanity Fair crossovers there is e.g. zero. Vanity Fair is one of my favourite classic novels. Buffy is one of my favourite TV series. Voila! A parody of Vanity Fair with a BTVS slant. I was also inspired by Meltha who has written the funniest crossover that I have read, Jayne Eyre.

Usual disclaimer. Vanity Fair is the work of William Makepeace Thackeray and BTVS is the work of Josh Wheedon.

Miss Buffy Sharp and Miss Willow Sedley are seated in the coach waiting to depart from Miss Pinkerton's Academy for Young Ladies. Miss Cordelia Pinkerton and Miss Tara Pinkerton have come in person to bid them farewell; a great honour. The young ladies at the academy have gathered round too, and were sniffing and crying as Miss Willow Sedley a great favourite with them. Miss Buffy Sharp, however, is not.

"Wait a minute," says Buffy, "Willow is popular and I'm not?

That's correct, Buffy.

"No fair is, when did Willow become popular? I used to be a cheer leader you know."

This is the early nineteenth century Buffy and cheerleaders haven't been invented yet. Besides Willow's family have money which is popular in any century. Can we continue?

Buffy subsides grumbling.

Suddenly, Miss Tara rushes back into the school and rushes out again brandishing a bible.

"What are you doing, sister?" asks the majestic Miss Cordelia

"You forgot to give a bible to Buffy. We always give a bible to leaving scholars," says Miss Tara.

"To paying scholars," mutters Miss Cordelia but she allows Miss Tara to thrust the bible in through the coach window to Buffy.

"Here, Buffy, as a momento," she pants.

Buffy does not thank her. Indeed, as the coach pulls off, the bible comes suddenly flying through the coach window and hits Miss Cordelia very accurately on the head. Buffy has not lost her Slayer skills. Miss Cordelia falls down and Miss Tara and the girls gather round clucking.

"Right on the noggin," says Buffy with some satisfaction. "That'll teach her to call me a Cry Buffy."

"Oh Buffy how could you?" demands Willow. "You've hit Miss Cordelia on the head. You've hurt her."

"Nah, she's as tough as old boots."

"Or you might have hit Miss Tara.'

'Not a chance, I was aiming for the tall old boot. Why are you always so nice to Miss Tara? Teacher's pet ."

Willow blushes but says nothing.

Now, to tell you a little more about our heroines as the coach heads towards London. Miss Sharp is small with a sharp face and red hair. Miss Sedley is blonde and pretty and good-natured.

"What? I've got red hair? But Willow is a natural red head, she should be Miss Sharp," complains Buffy.

No, you have to play Miss Sharp, her first name is Becky, begins with B and ends in Y just like yours, which is a good enough reason as far as I'm concerned. Besides she is a Bad Girl, I thought you would like the chance to be bad for a change.

"Like Faith?"

A bit like Faith. Doesn't kill anyone though.

The coach eventually arrives in London. Buffy is delighted by all the activity and has been busy hanging out of the coach window, enjoying the hustle and bustle of London life. However, as soon as the coach pulls up outside Willow's home, she becomes the very picture of a demure maiden. She soon wins over Willow's parents and Willow's brother, Xander Sedley. He is rather fat but Buffy behaves as if he is a dashing young gallant.

"Hold up," says Xander. "I'm fat?"

That's correct.

"I can't be fat, I was on the School Swim Team! I'll never get another girl if I'm fat," panics Xander

You're fat in this story. However, you're also very rich.

"Rich is ok. But rich and handsome would be better."

Tough. You're rich and fat. Deal with it. Anyway Buffy is pursuing you so it's not all bad. Angel and Spike are chortling in the background, "Xander's fat!" they laugh.

Quickly on the scene is Spike Osborne, the handsome young son of a friend and business colleague of Mr Sedley's. He has been told by his father, who makes him a very generous allowance, that he would like him to marry Willow and do a merger between the families. Spike is quite happy about this quite he gets a look at Willow. Willow is instantly smitten with him. Accompanying Spike is Angel Dobbin, a tall ugly man who nobody takes much notice of. Buffy would have paid attention to him as he is rich but he has been instantly smitten with Willow and so she resumes her stalking of her former prey.

"Angel fancies Willow!" says Buffy disbelievingly.

"I'm ugly?" asks Angel in similar tones of disbelief.

Xander is fat, you are ugly. It's in the book. You are the character with real soul, who broods, who suffers. Sound familiar? Spike is laughing very hard.

Willow and Spike quickly become engaged. Buffy and Xander would be engaged but for Xander getting drunk and making a fool of himself in front of Buffy at Vauxhall Gardens. Sound familiar Xander? And Spike tells him he will make a real fool of himself if he marries Buffy, a poor nobody. So he hightails it back to India.

"Wait a minute, I thought that I was getting Buffy?" pouts Xander. Buffy looks at Xander and clenches her fists. Xander apologises. Patience Xander, patience.

Never read "Vanity Fair", have you boys? They look at each other and shake their heads, puzzled. "Why?" they want to know. Oh no reason. Willow who has read Vanity Fair (well, she would have, wouldn't she?) starts to smirk.

Buffy catches on that Spike told Xander not to marry her (because Spike tells her) and is obviously not best pleased and resolves to pay him back if ever she can. Then disaster strikes the Sedley family, Mr Sedley loses almost all his money through imprudent financial ventures. Buffy realises that she can freeload no longer and quickly advertises in the papers and gets herself a job as a governess with the Sir Snyder Crawley family in the country and off she goes to the depths of the country.


	2. Chapter 2

Vanity Slayer (Vanity Fair With A Buffy Twist)

The idea of this story was generated by me noticing how few Vanity Fair crossovers there is e.g. zero. Vanity Fair is one of my favourite classic novels. Buffy is on of my favourite TV series. Voila! A parody of Vanity Fair with a BTVS slant. I was also inspired by Meltha who has written the funniest crossover that I have read, Jayne Eyre.

Usual disclaimer. Vanity Fair is the work of William Makepeace Thackeray and BTVS is the work of Josh Wheedon.

Mr Giles Osborne, Spike's father, "My first name is Rupert!" protests Giles (but everyone knows you as Giles and Rupert is a stupid name) demands that Spike breaks off his engagement to Willow. However, Spike does have some sense of honour, ("Really?' asks Spike), and egged on by Angel, defies his father and marries Willow. He is immediately cut off without a penny. "That was fun," comments Giles.

"Cheers Angel," says Spike bitterly.

"No problem," says Angel who seems quite cheerful about the whole thing.

Meanwhile Buffy has arrived at Crawley Manor and is greeted by an old short wrinkled man who she first mistakes for a servant and then realises is Sir Snyder Crawley.

"Seriously?" asks Buffy, "Are you sure that he's not a demon?" and she looks longingly at her reticule with Mr Pointy inside.

No, Buffy, he may look like a demon but he is a human baronet and must be treated with respect.

"If you say so," she says sulkily and goes off to teach her charges.

Buffy especially likes to set them maths problems such as "If there are 10 vampires and 6 stakes, how would you divide them up to kill all 10?' and teaches them practical staking, kung fu and embroidery as well. Everything that young ladies in the early nineteenth century need. Sir Snyder has an ailing wife and two sons. The eldest son, Pitt is married and so of no interest to Buffy. But the younger son, Riley Crawley is tall, dark, handsome and starts visiting the family home a lot more once he meets Buffy.

"But I'm blond!" protests Riley, "I'm from Ohio!"

Not in this, you're not buster. And count yourself lucky, Xander's fat and Angel's ugly. Riley begins to smile.

Sir Snyder's wife dies to nobody's surprise and Sir Snyder then proposes to Buffy as he has taken a fancy to her.

"Eeww!' says Buffy.

Don't worry Buffy, you can't marry him because you have already married Riley in secret. Although you are upset because you would have had a title and been rich.

"Not enough riches in the world," says Buffy firmly.

So Sir Snyder cuts Riley off without a penny, fathers were tough in those days. However, there is a very rich old aunt, Anya Crawley who has a soft spot for Riley so the newly weds decide to suck up to her.


End file.
